Violent explosions and shifting currents

“You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.” – Nietzsche

I am watching the snow fall and feeling resentful. Hello, snow, can’t you read a human calendar? The first day of spring has come and passed, jerk!

While watching the snow fall, I’m also watching myself. Watching myself feel worried. I’m not supposed to be feeling worried. I quit my job to follow my passion. I launched Happy Fish Tarot last week (!!!!). I did all of this because I wanted to feel the opposite of worried.

Before I quit my job I was living an experience of the Tower card. I felt like I was on the verge of exploding. I tried to ignore the nagging “there is something more” feeling for too long. I finally had to accept that this feeling wasn’t going away – and it was going to fuck shit up if I didn’t start listening. Instead of waiting for the inevitable, and possibly violent explosion to come, I decided to consciously create dramatic change in my life.

So I came up with a plan. I saved money. I got my husband on board. I schemed and dreamed. I mapped out a business plan and created a website. And even though I kept telling myself not to, I kinda fell into the “I’ll be happy when” trap.

I feel like for the past few years, I have been climbing a metaphorical, self-awareness mountain. It is exhausting, and sometimes I really want to stop climbing. Eventually, I will reach overlooks and think maybe I’ve reached the top. I’ll survey the view and admire how far I’ve come. Then I want to rest. I’m weary, goddamnit!

But I can’t rest for too long, because I have been blessed/cursed by an incessant inner urge to do, find, or be something. I often feel like I’m fumbling blindly, trying to find out what the bloody hell that something is.

That’s why I quit my job. That’s why I was drawn to tarot. And you know what? Those were pretty fucking amazing decisions. I am happier than ever. I feel like I’m finally getting warmer in this endless pursuit of something.

But I was mistaken was in letting myself fantasize – even just a little – that this transition would solve all of my problems and that I’d be living in never-ending bliss. This isn’t the top of the mountain – it’s another scenic overlook. I need to keep climbing.

Let’s go back to where I was when I started writing – I was watching the snow and feeling worried. Now I am watching the snow and feeling peaceful. In tarot, after the chaos of the Tower comes the serenity of the Star. I’m reminding myself of what I wrote on my own website: “there is no secret key to unending happiness. The truth is that lasting happiness requires constantly adapting to shifting currents. Despair not – tarot can help.”

This is a lesson I’m still trying to integrate. Sometimes the shifting currents seem to throw me off the path. Can you relate? Self-actualization can be a lonely process. You feel like everyone but you has their shit figured out. If I could tell you, and myself, one thing it would be keep going. You can, and will, constantly adapt to the violent explosions and the shifting currents. 

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The Risk of Blossoming

When I began blogging, I felt lonely. Really, it’s an extension of a loneliness I’ve felt for many years. I don’t quite know how to explain it. It’s not really a teenage-emo loneliness…but then again, maybe it is. I’ve always felt like the proverbial black sheep. I mean, I have an amazing husband, wonderful friends and family, and in a lot of ways, they know me extremely well. But there’s always this strange part of myself that feels different than everyone else. “No one gets me,” she said, crying into her black hoodie.

It’s hard to explain. I’ve never been ‘depressed.’ It’s more of a constant existential crisis. I can’t stop asking ‘Why am I here? What is this all about? Who am I? What am I? What is consciousness? What is meaning? Why do I feel compelled to these questions? Why can’t I just be satisfied with the things that are supposed to make me happy?’

Over the past few years, especially since starting this blog, I’ve been having some mental shifts. I’ve slowly let myself experiment to find things that make me happy, and this often means going out of my comfort zone. IE: “starting a blog where I write about personal growth and spirituality ‘n stuff makes me happy! But it’s so goddamn embarrassing and I don’t want to tell anyone I know. I would die if people I knew read this. It’s so personal and they’ll think I’m a weirdo or an idiot! Or even worse, a weird idiot.” And so I didn’t tell anyone about the blog, and in turn, I think I held myself back from writing about some of the things I wanted to write about. I had a paralyzing fear of what other people would think of me. I guess I didn’t think I was strong enough to survive criticism and scrutiny. I originally thought I was going to blog once a week, but I’m now going to allow myself to only blog when I feel like that – even if that is only once in a blue moon.

Over the past few months, I’ve realized that I really need to learn to move past this crippling fear of ‘what people will think.’ I don’t just mean by going public with my blog, but in every facet of my life.  I’m not gonna be for everyone, that’s for sure. A lot of people still won’t ‘get’ me. But for my own personal growth, it has become glaringly apparent that I need to learn to be more visible. The funny thing is, I don’t even think it will make a big difference externally. If I went on facebook right now and made this post public, a lot of people probably wouldn’t even click on it. Of the ones who did, some might skim it and then move on with their lives with a shrug. Hell, a few might read it all the way through and actually find something that resonates with them. And again, hell, a few might think it’s ridiculous and judge me and gossip about me. Those are all external things, and I’ve realized…I should say, I’ve FINALLY realized…they aren’t important. What’s important is the internal things. And becoming more public and visible (or letting myself be vulnerable, as Brene Brown would say) is essential to my growth as a person and a soul. I know this beyond a shadow of a doubt now, but it has taken me a lot of emotional turmoil, self doubt, and anxiety to accept it.

What I don’t know is why this is the case. My life would certainly be easier if I didn’t feel this strong knowing that I need to put myself out there. It would be sooooo much easier to be “normal.” But for whatever reason, I have this fire inside of me, and I believe that part of why I was put into this life is to work through this. I’m going through this anxiety and turmoil for a reason, I believe, even if I’m not sure what that reason is. In fact, the anxiety was so bad for a while that I started this blog, just to have somewhere to express myself fully. I’ve felt like my soul will perish and wither if I don’t learn to let myself be my goddamn full self, without fear of consequence.

And so, lately, I’ve slowly been taking steps to move out of my comfort zone and ‘be vulnerable.’ I came out of the Tarot reading closet on facebook a few months ago, offering readings to a few friends. Lo and behold, I got almost exclusively glowing, positive feedback. It may sound silly, but I recently joined a discussion group for a book that changed my life – the Desire Map by Danielle LaPorte – and even getting myself to email the organizer and go meet with a stranger was a huge step for me.

I’ve also been working on launching my own Tarot  business, and it’s been a bit like pulling teeth for me to force myself to tell people. That fear of what they think starts rearing it’s ugly head again. But I’ve been telling them – and guess what? Again, almost nothing but positivity and support.  I’ve realized that I was projecting my own internal insecurities onto other people, keeping myself on the defensive and assuming they won’t understand. Basically, I was being a spazz.

And so I’ve been going through this life changing realization – being vulnerable will not kill me. It will probably always be scary. In fact, sometimes it’s so scary that I want to poop my pants. But I heard a quote recently that completely hit home for me. It went something like “I can learn to live with fear, but I can’t live with regrets.” I’ve finally gotten to the place where I know that this is true. If I don’t let myself out into the world, I will never live a full life. I will die with regrets. And even though it is scary and awkward to put myself out there, I’ve gotta do it.

It will be slow, and I’m sure that my progress will be erratic. Sometimes I’ll slip back into old patterns and fears. But I want to feel a deep happiness, joy and connection with my life. And to do that, I need to be free – internally free. And to be internally free, I need to let go of the paralyzing fear that causes me to hide myself away.

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” – Anais Nin

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Dear Motherfucker: This is Who I Am.

I am someone who believes that people are essentially good. I am someone who believes in a universal energy that flows through. I am someone who believes that, like Jewel says, “in the end, only kindness matters.” I am someone who believes that I, and everyone, was put on this earth for a reason. I am someone who believes in telling the truth and being vulnerable. I am someone who believes that being a human being is really fucking challenging, especially if you are trying to live consciously and embody your values.

I am someone who is deeply introspective. I can sometimes get lost in my world. I can be overly sensitive. I can take things personally. I can get emotional. I cry over…well, pretty much anything. I am someone who has always worried that being vulnerable is the same thing as being weak. That is probably the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever believed. Being vulnerable is the only way to grow. It’s the only way to reach deeper levels of satisfaction. You have to be comfortable with being uncomfortable. If you can’t manage to get the ball to be vulnerable and risk looking like a weak weirdo, you are doomed to a life of secure boredom. I’m not here to be half alive – I’m here to be alive, risking, being me.

I am someone who believes there are alternate options to the status quo. I believe that there are limitless ways to live. I say ‘fuck you’ to restrictions or being told ‘that’s just how things are.’ I believe I can make a living doing something I love. I believe that people should marry whoever they want, and create whatever they want and say whatever they want as long as it is true to who they are and doesn’t cause harm to others.

I am also someone who believes in science and logic. I may be an idealist, a dreamer, but that doesn’t make me a moron, thank you very much. I am perfectly capable of critical thinking, and I can also be as cynical and judgmental as the next bitch. I believe in the healing power of laughing at cats on the internet.

I am someone who believes we can be tough and soft at the same time. I am someone who believes that hiding in my shell is no longer serving me. I am someone who is more comfortable saying ‘fuck’ than saying ‘namaste’. I am someone who meditates and watches trash TV. I drink green smoothies and eat ice cream. I am who I am, motherfucker. Vital and kick ass, and finally comfortable with all aspects of me. No longer chasing your approval, even though I cordially respect your opinion.

(I used to wish that I would post weekly, delivering calm, serene and trainquil wisdom. Instead, I post once in a blue moon and occasionally deliver rants. That’s just the way I roll.)

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Already Home

Do the dishes. Ruminate on the suckiness of my job. Don’t do the dishes for a couple of days. Realize the sink smells and do the dishes again. Pet the cats. Worry about my future. Worry briefly about international affairs, then go back to thinking about myself. Spend countless hours watching Hanson videos on youtube. Berate myself for wasting time. Try to work on my novel but find that my energy is drained. Think about writing a blog post and realize I have nothing interesting to say. Decide I am a failure of a human being.

There! Now you are caught up with what I’ve been doing the past couple of weeks. I haven’t really been unhappy per-se, just caught up in my own mental drama. When I get like this I feel a sense of unease, like something isn’t in synch. I get frustrated. I feel like an outsider looking in on all these other people who seem to have it all figured out. I get this vague feeling that something is missing, that there’s something wrong, that life isn’t unfolding the way it’s supposed to. I’m trying but I’m just not getting something right. I am at odds with myself and the world around me.

I’ve felt this way before and I always know it will pass, but it can be trying. I do not know why I am prone to spats of the blues. Maybe we all are. Yesterday I was out for a walk, watching the leaves that are just beginning to become colorful, and listening to the new Hanson album. I love this song so much that if you were sitting here with me in person right now I would force you to put headphones on and listen while reading the lyrics.

Hanson – Already Home

You’ve been trapped in a moment cause you’ve been running in place.
And now you’re casting a shadow that’s hanging long on my face.
I see you keeping your distance, but you’re not telling me why.
You’re looking to the horizon instead of here and now tonight.
I don’t know what is broken. You act like you don’t belong here anymore.
If you’ve really lost something, maybe you should start where you’ve been before.
I think you’re already home.
You keep running around in circles but you end up right back at the eye of the storm.
When you see your reflection, do you recognize yourself?
Cause every word that you say, I hear another another cry for help.
If you can’t see it, why don’t you open your eyes?
I’m right here waiting. You don’t have to go far.
Because you’re already home. I think you’re already home.
You keep running ‘round in circles but you end up right back at the eye of the storm.
When you’re all fed up, being down.
When you’re all fed up, you’ll be the last man standing on the battleground.
When you’re all fed up being down, you can come home to this town.
I think you’re already home.

Gah, I love this song so much that it makes me want to throw my arms up and do a dance. A dance of freedom. So fucking good, seriously. When I read these lyrics, I see it as a love song from my “soul” (or higher self, etc) to my “surface self” (or ego, or whatever you want to call it). Sometimes I get caught up the storm of to-do lists and responsibilities and future-tripping. I feel uncomfortable, wrong, lacking. I can’t fully articulate what I am trying to convey, but this song says it all for me. What I am seeking is within myself. It isn’t going to come from external accomplishments or quitting my job or eating a chocolate cake (although those things might help). I’m looking for inner peace and strength and I’m forgetting that they lie in the center of the storm, in the core of my being. I only need to pause long enough to really, truly engage with life and I’m already home.

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A Post In Which I Get Naked

Okay, I’m not literally going to get naked (although many dictionaries recently changed the definition of literally, so maybe I am literally getting naked). I’ll just come right out and say it: I have a constant fear of judgement. “But what will people think if I dye my hair? If I go vegan? If I quit my job? If I read tarot cards? Will they think I’m stupid, weird, woo-woo?” Revealing certain thoughts, lifestyle choices and hobbies that I hold dear feels like I am getting naked and opening myself up to harsh scrutiny. It is easy to let my fear of being judged prevent me from being fully me. That’s why when I started this blog I didn’t tell anyone. The things I write about here are deeply personal and the thought of sharing them with the world kind of made me throw up in my mouth.

I recently put my big-girl pants on and told a few people about Orange Steamboat (if you are one of them, know that I am thankful to have you in my life, and I trust that you love me no matter what weird shit I write about on the internet). I’m slowly starting to reveal myself in other ways as well. As I mentioned in my last post, I’ve began doing tarot card readings for others. Simply convincing myself to make a post on facebook asking for volunteers was a ridiculously nerve-wracking experience. “What if no one volunteers? What if everyone thinks I am a devil-worshipper?” As it turns out, I had an abundance of volunteers and received some heart-warming feedback as a result of putting myself out there.

Sure, some people will think I’m a woo-woo nut job for reading tarot cards, and others will harp on to high hell about protein whenever I mention veganism and I might get some disdainful looks if I dye my hair. But I think the world needs more people who are willing to ‘get naked.’ I believe that we all have special gifts, insights, and passions that can make the world a better place. Too often these gifts are kept locked away out of fear. I know I can’t be the only person who is fucking terrified to be vulnerable. I don’t know much about life, but there’s one thing I’ve learned with certainty: the times when I experience the deepest satisfaction and the fullest sense of being vitally alive happen when I allow myself to be vulnerable. Sometimes it makes me want to puke, but I know that if I want to continue to grow and expand, I’m going to have to face this challenge again and again.

I used to associate being vulnerable with being weak or sappy. But I’ve realized it is possible to be both tender and tough. The criticism won’t kill me. What might really kill me, though, is living a half-hearted life in order to stay safe. I have firmly decided that I am not here to live a lukewarm life. Considering that alternative makes being naked sound pretty damn good.

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Hello, Here I am, Blogging about my Personal Growth and Stuff.

I have been procrastinating writing a new post. I could lie and say I have been busy, but instead, I will tell you some dreadful things that I decided to do over the past few weeks in lieu of blogging:

• Observed a picture of Justin Beiber’s naked butt on the internet.

• Observed (again, on the internet) a video of Lady Gaga walking through the woods naked and wailing while hugging a crystal.

• Watched the new Miley Cyrus music video four times. Okay, maybe five.

• Met with my book club. We talked about ‘The Old Man and the Sea’ by Ernest Hemingway, which I did not read. I did, however, consume copious amounts of boxed wine during the discussion.

• Went three days without showering (working from home is dangerous).

• Continued to complain about my job to anyone who would listen.

• Got rejected from the other job I applied for.

Now that I’ve got that out of my system, here are some of the more uplifting things I’ve done:

• Started seeing a therapist to help me take my life from good to great.

• Went out to dinner and then to a local craft fair with my sister.

• Bought a crap-ton of berries at the farmer’s market and put them in the freezer for future use.

• Made a few helpful changes to the plot of my novel-in-progress.

• Re-instated my practice of morning pages.

• Cleaned my entire apartment.

• Made a couple of batches of sun tea on my porch.

• Thought of about four different topics I could blog about (but thinking is not the same as doing, eh?).

• Started reading tarot cards for people other than myself and received positive feedback!

I am most excited about the last item on the list. Reading tarot cards has been a truly awesome experience. I really, really like doing it, and that makes me excited and happy. I will soon be completing more tarot card readings, but my brain needed a break after doing fourteen in one week on top of working full time and looking at naked celebrities on the internet.

Here are a few things I plan to do soon:

• Write another post on this blog that isn’t so ridiculous.

• Go to the gym instead of feeding them twenty bucks a month while I sit on my couch and feed myself chocolate.

• Cultivate happiness and try to spend my time wisely (as in not looking at Justin Beiber’s butt).

• Continue to read tarot cards and maaaaaaybe even start a second blog to explore that topic further!

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Positive Thinking versus Self-Deception

Last week I wrote about a work conference in which myself and my fellow employees were told repeatedly (read: brainwashed) to be positive! I was intending to write this post, discussing why this mantra can rub me the wrong way, but it turned into a beergarita-fueled rant. Oh well.

There are two different types of thoughts that we tend to label as ‘negative.’ The first are what I call wah-baby-titty-mouse (WBTM) thoughts. These types of thoughts include, but are not limited to: complaining for the sake of complaining, self-bashing, victim mentality, and making weak excuses. I have learned from personal experience that these thoughts feel gross and get you nowhere fast. When I find myself having a WBTM moment, I try to get it out of my system and re-focus on more productive thoughts (easier said than done). I’m pretty sure I’ll never become so highly evolved that I rid myself completely of WBTM moments, but I can certainly get better at coping with them.

The second type of ‘negative’ thoughts are actually red-flags from your own intellect (or instinct, soul, gut). These are the thoughts that let you know when a situation is legitimately dangerous or just out of line with who you  are. These are the kinds of thoughts that give you the push to look for a new job instead of brainwashing yourself into loving your current gig. Or finally get you to leave your lover when you know you could be happier. For the love of everything, please do not try to suppress this type of thought or judge yourself for having ‘negative’ thoughts.

I believe that the key is not forcing ourselves into a positive box, but trying to deal with negative thoughts wisely. Here are some things I find helpful (although I am by no means an expert):

• Be honest with yourself. If something doesn’t seem right to you, don’t judge yourself for having a negative thought. Do not try to deceive yourself into just being positive. BE HONEST.

• If necessary: vent. Scream into a pillow. Have an ugly cry session. If you’re me, write a beergarita fueled rant on your blog.

• Identify the type of negative thought you are having. If it is a legitimate inner guidance call, proceed. If it is a wah-baby-titty-mouse moment, get it out of your system and move on with your life.

• Again: do not let yourself stay in the WBTM headspace for too long! This is a comfortable place that many people spend their whole lives in and thus the reason negative thoughts have gotten a bad rap.

• If you can do something to change the situation, do it. Even if it is just a small step in the right direction, it will help you feel better.

• Face forward, Keep your chin up and walk through life instead of letting yourself be dragged through it.

• Don’t let anyone tell you to deny your feelings. If something is not right for you, it’s not right for you. That’s not being negative; that’s being wise.

• Although you don’t need to deny the bad things, do not let them become your primary focus. Concentrate on finding happiness in the small ways that you can control. Make finding happiness the focus, not dwelling on the bad stuff.

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Bad-ass Affirmations

Once upon a time, I wrote a post about affirmations. I still use them almost every day, but I’ve made some adjustments. If I look in the mirror and say something like “I am worthy of love and abundance,” it actually makes me feel slightly pathetic instead of affirmed. Now, if those types of traditional affirmations work for you, by all means, please continue. I’m all for fostering self-love and happiness and we all bloom in different ways. I need something a little more zesty with a dose of humor thrown in. I invite you to repeat the following in the mirror each morning and see if your life doesn’t completely transform!

• I am fucking awesome.

• I rule at life.

• I treat others as awesomely as I treat myself.

• I don’t need anyone’s approval.

• I love myself and don’t give two shits about haters.

• I am a special and unique snowflake.

• I am kind and strong.

• I am a hot bitch.

• I am so damn talented.

• I am patient and wise like a really cool grandma.

• I trust myself like I’m a boss.

• Good shit happens to me pretty much all of the time.

• I have universal energy and divine love on speed dial.

• I make the world a better place by being myself.

• “I’m a free bitch.” (Okay, I’ll admit, I stole this one from Lady Gaga.)

• I am allowed to be spiritual and still have a sense of humor.

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“It Might Be A Quarter-life Crisis.”

I’ve spent my life following the steps that were laid out for me by society. When I was in high school, I knew college would come next. During college, I knew getting a ‘real’ job would follow. When I got a job, I assumed I’d work my way into a ‘better’ job (I’m still waiting on that one). In the meantime, I met the love of my life and got married. I guess all that’s left is popping out a couple of kids and moving to the ‘burbs.

The rest of my life is laid out in front of me like a vast, empty canvas. But what am I going to paint? Sometimes I feel brimming with possibilities and excitement. Other times, I feel overwhelmed and clueless. I’ve spent the past few years trying to convince myself to continue to play by the rules. I applied for a promotion, and then when it was offered I backed down. I registered for a master’s program and got cold feet within the first few weeks. These just didn’t feel right.

After these failed attempts I moved into a period of self-doubt. I asked myself over and over why I couldn’t figure out what I wanted to do with my life. I’m always hearing stories about successful, passionate people. Meanwhile, I can’t even figure out what the fuck I’m passionate about, let alone use it to make a living!

Slowly but surely, I’m starting to have some breakthroughs. I’m realizing that this is my life. This is my one shot to get it right. The ‘rules’ and prescribed paths of society are there for me to pick and choose from, but I am the ultimate authority on how I live. This is both terrifying and comforting.

I’ve spent so long being anxious about my next move that it’s been hard to enjoy the journey. Martha Beck says life is like a game of ‘you’re getting warmer, you’re getting colder.’ This concept has been liberating to me. It takes the pressure off. In the past I’ve felt like I’m wasting time, not doing what I was ‘meant’ to do. “I have to find my passion and I have to find it NOW!” This type of mental anxiety was getting me nowhere, fast.

I’m starting to focus more on identifying things that feel warmer. I’m cooking up a few wild schemes that may not fit in with the rules of society but seem delicious to me. It’s going to take a few risks and leaps of faith to move forward, and thinking about that makes me partially excited and partially nauseous. But hey, that’s why we love roller coasters, right? The excitement is worth the nausea…hopefully.

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Flipping the Light Switch on Fear

Fear has a way of sucking the life-force out of you. I’m not talking about realistic fear – the kind where you see a bear, get scared, and run away to avoid being eaten. I’m talking about the kind of unproductive insecurities and doubts our thoughts feed us. I am afraid I’ll never have a job I enjoy. I’m afraid I’ll never finish my novel. I’m afraid I’m not good enough. I’m afraid there’s no point. These are the kind of thoughts that will freeze you right in place. It’s nearly impossible to take action when you are in this state.

I think this is something all of us deal with from time to time, but I have been cursed with a particularly hazardous, re-occurring self-doubt syndrome. I’ve found a few strategies to get myself back on track, one of which is watching interviews with people I find inspirational. Jewel is one of them. Coming across the following quote reminded me why I’ve adored her for years.

“When I was homeless I was really gripped by fear…I was really paralyzed. I finally got out of it by just pretending there was a light switch in my head and that my fear was actually excitement. And so every time I would get scared I would flip my light switch and just pretend and force myself to say “something exciting is about to happen, I wonder what it is.” I think having that perception change was the difference for me of sink or swim. It trained me to look for opportunities and create opportunities, instead of just being paralyzed and not doing anything. It’s been interesting how far it’s taken me.” – Jewel

What a refreshingly grounded concept.  Our brains are wired to find what we are looking for. If you’re in a crowd of people and tell your brain to look for red shirts, you’ll suddenly see them everywhere you turn. They were there all along, you just weren’t focusing on them. I think doubts and fears are kind of the same way. If you focus on those thoughts, you’ll find more and more of them until you become crippled. I’m working to train myself to “look for and create opportunities” instead of getting stuck in an unproductive thought cycle.

Something exciting is about to happen. I’m not sure what it is. It might be something huge – maybe I’ll win a Newberry for my novel. It might be something small – maybe I’ll have a pleasant chat with a co-worker. I can’t predict the future, and so I may as well “flip the switch” and imagine it to be exciting rather than dreadful. Won’t you try flipping your own mental light switch?

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