Violent explosions and shifting currents

“You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.” – Nietzsche

I am watching the snow fall and feeling resentful. Hello, snow, can’t you read a human calendar? The first day of spring has come and passed, jerk!

While watching the snow fall, I’m also watching myself. Watching myself feel worried. I’m not supposed to be feeling worried. I quit my job to follow my passion. I launched Happy Fish Tarot last week (!!!!). I did all of this because I wanted to feel the opposite of worried.

Before I quit my job I was living an experience of the Tower card. I felt like I was on the verge of exploding. I tried to ignore the nagging “there is something more” feeling for too long. I finally had to accept that this feeling wasn’t going away – and it was going to fuck shit up if I didn’t start listening. Instead of waiting for the inevitable, and possibly violent explosion to come, I decided to consciously create dramatic change in my life.

So I came up with a plan. I saved money. I got my husband on board. I schemed and dreamed. I mapped out a business plan and created a website. And even though I kept telling myself not to, I kinda fell into the “I’ll be happy when” trap.

I feel like for the past few years, I have been climbing a metaphorical, self-awareness mountain. It is exhausting, and sometimes I really want to stop climbing. Eventually, I will reach overlooks and think maybe I’ve reached the top. I’ll survey the view and admire how far I’ve come. Then I want to rest. I’m weary, goddamnit!

But I can’t rest for too long, because I have been blessed/cursed by an incessant inner urge to do, find, or be something. I often feel like I’m fumbling blindly, trying to find out what the bloody hell that something is.

That’s why I quit my job. That’s why I was drawn to tarot. And you know what? Those were pretty fucking amazing decisions. I am happier than ever. I feel like I’m finally getting warmer in this endless pursuit of something.

But I was mistaken was in letting myself fantasize – even just a little – that this transition would solve all of my problems and that I’d be living in never-ending bliss. This isn’t the top of the mountain – it’s another scenic overlook. I need to keep climbing.

Let’s go back to where I was when I started writing – I was watching the snow and feeling worried. Now I am watching the snow and feeling peaceful. In tarot, after the chaos of the Tower comes the serenity of the Star. I’m reminding myself of what I wrote on my own website: “there is no secret key to unending happiness. The truth is that lasting happiness requires constantly adapting to shifting currents. Despair not – tarot can help.”

This is a lesson I’m still trying to integrate. Sometimes the shifting currents seem to throw me off the path. Can you relate? Self-actualization can be a lonely process. You feel like everyone but you has their shit figured out. If I could tell you, and myself, one thing it would be keep going. You can, and will, constantly adapt to the violent explosions and the shifting currents. 

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Hello, Here I am, Blogging about my Personal Growth and Stuff.

I have been procrastinating writing a new post. I could lie and say I have been busy, but instead, I will tell you some dreadful things that I decided to do over the past few weeks in lieu of blogging:

• Observed a picture of Justin Beiber’s naked butt on the internet.

• Observed (again, on the internet) a video of Lady Gaga walking through the woods naked and wailing while hugging a crystal.

• Watched the new Miley Cyrus music video four times. Okay, maybe five.

• Met with my book club. We talked about ‘The Old Man and the Sea’ by Ernest Hemingway, which I did not read. I did, however, consume copious amounts of boxed wine during the discussion.

• Went three days without showering (working from home is dangerous).

• Continued to complain about my job to anyone who would listen.

• Got rejected from the other job I applied for.

Now that I’ve got that out of my system, here are some of the more uplifting things I’ve done:

• Started seeing a therapist to help me take my life from good to great.

• Went out to dinner and then to a local craft fair with my sister.

• Bought a crap-ton of berries at the farmer’s market and put them in the freezer for future use.

• Made a few helpful changes to the plot of my novel-in-progress.

• Re-instated my practice of morning pages.

• Cleaned my entire apartment.

• Made a couple of batches of sun tea on my porch.

• Thought of about four different topics I could blog about (but thinking is not the same as doing, eh?).

• Started reading tarot cards for people other than myself and received positive feedback!

I am most excited about the last item on the list. Reading tarot cards has been a truly awesome experience. I really, really like doing it, and that makes me excited and happy. I will soon be completing more tarot card readings, but my brain needed a break after doing fourteen in one week on top of working full time and looking at naked celebrities on the internet.

Here are a few things I plan to do soon:

• Write another post on this blog that isn’t so ridiculous.

• Go to the gym instead of feeding them twenty bucks a month while I sit on my couch and feed myself chocolate.

• Cultivate happiness and try to spend my time wisely (as in not looking at Justin Beiber’s butt).

• Continue to read tarot cards and maaaaaaybe even start a second blog to explore that topic further!

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