Violent explosions and shifting currents

“You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.” – Nietzsche

I am watching the snow fall and feeling resentful. Hello, snow, can’t you read a human calendar? The first day of spring has come and passed, jerk!

While watching the snow fall, I’m also watching myself. Watching myself feel worried. I’m not supposed to be feeling worried. I quit my job to follow my passion. I launched Happy Fish Tarot last week (!!!!). I did all of this because I wanted to feel the opposite of worried.

Before I quit my job I was living an experience of the Tower card. I felt like I was on the verge of exploding. I tried to ignore the nagging “there is something more” feeling for too long. I finally had to accept that this feeling wasn’t going away – and it was going to fuck shit up if I didn’t start listening. Instead of waiting for the inevitable, and possibly violent explosion to come, I decided to consciously create dramatic change in my life.

So I came up with a plan. I saved money. I got my husband on board. I schemed and dreamed. I mapped out a business plan and created a website. And even though I kept telling myself not to, I kinda fell into the “I’ll be happy when” trap.

I feel like for the past few years, I have been climbing a metaphorical, self-awareness mountain. It is exhausting, and sometimes I really want to stop climbing. Eventually, I will reach overlooks and think maybe I’ve reached the top. I’ll survey the view and admire how far I’ve come. Then I want to rest. I’m weary, goddamnit!

But I can’t rest for too long, because I have been blessed/cursed by an incessant inner urge to do, find, or be something. I often feel like I’m fumbling blindly, trying to find out what the bloody hell that something is.

That’s why I quit my job. That’s why I was drawn to tarot. And you know what? Those were pretty fucking amazing decisions. I am happier than ever. I feel like I’m finally getting warmer in this endless pursuit of something.

But I was mistaken was in letting myself fantasize – even just a little – that this transition would solve all of my problems and that I’d be living in never-ending bliss. This isn’t the top of the mountain – it’s another scenic overlook. I need to keep climbing.

Let’s go back to where I was when I started writing – I was watching the snow and feeling worried. Now I am watching the snow and feeling peaceful. In tarot, after the chaos of the Tower comes the serenity of the Star. I’m reminding myself of what I wrote on my own website: “there is no secret key to unending happiness. The truth is that lasting happiness requires constantly adapting to shifting currents. Despair not – tarot can help.”

This is a lesson I’m still trying to integrate. Sometimes the shifting currents seem to throw me off the path. Can you relate? Self-actualization can be a lonely process. You feel like everyone but you has their shit figured out. If I could tell you, and myself, one thing it would be keep going. You can, and will, constantly adapt to the violent explosions and the shifting currents. 

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Smile Like You Mean It…Or You’re Fired.

I managed to survive a week of work conferences, and if you’ve read a few of my whiner posts, you may remember that I’m not exactly lovin’ my job. The theme of the week was positive thinking. We were told repeatedly how important it is to have a good attitude and to believe in our company’s mission from the depths of our soul.

I sat through a  presentation entitled ‘We Heard You!’ that listed various complaints and suggestions from my fellow employees. Each item was followed by a series of bullet points explaining why the suggestion was wrong or unreasonable.  We were then told again to have a positive attitude!

I am a bit flummoxed by this whole affair. I am certainly a believer in positive thinking. I’m also sure it is true that believing in your product from the depths of your soul fuels your success. But you can’t fake passion, and right now, I’m just showing up for the paycheck. Ain’t no shame in that! I work hard, I am kind to colleagues and clients, I am professional and I get the job done. I don’t need to be brainwashed into the cult of corporate love.

Certainly dwelling on the negative aspects of my current gig won’t get me anywhere. But neither will pretending that I love my job and that there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. Sheesh, the whole thing gives me the heebie-jeebies. I guess none of my managers have read 1984. Yeah, I pulled the 1984 card. Shit just got real.

“When finally you surrender to us, it must be of your own free will. We do not destroy the heretic because he resists us; so long as he resists us we never destroy him. We convert him, we capture his inner mind, we reshape him. We burn all evil and all illusion out of him; we bring him over to our side, not in appearance, but genuinely, heart and soul.”

We also found out that although we are already micromanaged to an uncomfortable extent, we are going to be even more closely monitored. Of course, all of this is in an attempt to improve quality. My employer wants to watch my every move because they care about me, and because they want to make sure that I am representing our company with the utmost sincerity and positivity. Again, I’m going to have to bust out some George Orwell on your ass.

“There was of course no way of knowing whether you were being watched at any given moment. How often, or on what system, the Thought Police plugged in on any individual wire was guesswork. It was even conceivable that they watched everybody all the time. But at any rate they could plug in your wire whenever they wanted to. You had to live—did live, from habit that became instinct—in the assumption that every sound you made was overheard, and, except in darkness, every movement scrutinized.”

Yes, I’m all for focusing on the positive. I’m all for love and happiness and everything warm and fuzzy. But this sense of passion and positivity cannot be forced upon you by a corporation or a church or anyone else. You can’t fake passion.

I’m going to be honest with you right now: I am drinking a beergarita as I write this and I currently do not feel very positive about my job. I do, however, feel positive about the fact that I am a damn smart individual capable of critical thinking. I will find my path. Correction: I will continue to find my path. The Universe is sending me very clear messages that this whole corporate world thing kinda isn’t it. I’m not sure what’s next to me, but I already have a spoiler alert: my story doesn’t end with me loving big brother.

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“It Might Be A Quarter-life Crisis.”

I’ve spent my life following the steps that were laid out for me by society. When I was in high school, I knew college would come next. During college, I knew getting a ‘real’ job would follow. When I got a job, I assumed I’d work my way into a ‘better’ job (I’m still waiting on that one). In the meantime, I met the love of my life and got married. I guess all that’s left is popping out a couple of kids and moving to the ‘burbs.

The rest of my life is laid out in front of me like a vast, empty canvas. But what am I going to paint? Sometimes I feel brimming with possibilities and excitement. Other times, I feel overwhelmed and clueless. I’ve spent the past few years trying to convince myself to continue to play by the rules. I applied for a promotion, and then when it was offered I backed down. I registered for a master’s program and got cold feet within the first few weeks. These just didn’t feel right.

After these failed attempts I moved into a period of self-doubt. I asked myself over and over why I couldn’t figure out what I wanted to do with my life. I’m always hearing stories about successful, passionate people. Meanwhile, I can’t even figure out what the fuck I’m passionate about, let alone use it to make a living!

Slowly but surely, I’m starting to have some breakthroughs. I’m realizing that this is my life. This is my one shot to get it right. The ‘rules’ and prescribed paths of society are there for me to pick and choose from, but I am the ultimate authority on how I live. This is both terrifying and comforting.

I’ve spent so long being anxious about my next move that it’s been hard to enjoy the journey. Martha Beck says life is like a game of ‘you’re getting warmer, you’re getting colder.’ This concept has been liberating to me. It takes the pressure off. In the past I’ve felt like I’m wasting time, not doing what I was ‘meant’ to do. “I have to find my passion and I have to find it NOW!” This type of mental anxiety was getting me nowhere, fast.

I’m starting to focus more on identifying things that feel warmer. I’m cooking up a few wild schemes that may not fit in with the rules of society but seem delicious to me. It’s going to take a few risks and leaps of faith to move forward, and thinking about that makes me partially excited and partially nauseous. But hey, that’s why we love roller coasters, right? The excitement is worth the nausea…hopefully.

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An Open Cover Letter To Anyone With an Intact Soul

To Whom It May Concern,

Do you enjoy what you do to make money? Does it make you happy? Would you do it even if you didn’t get paid? Does it make your heart sing? Do you need an assistant, employee or staff member? If so, I may be the person you’re looking for.

I am college educated, but more importantly, I am willing to learn. I’m also willing to work just about anywhere. Maybe it’ll be a maple tree farm, a school, a stationary store, a spa, or a paper supply company. I’m willing to make coffee, take notes, or run errands. I’m open to learning to brew tea or fix shoes or mix paint. I’m okay with moving almost anywhere.

The most important thing is that you, as my employer, are passionate about what you do. If you are a nice person willing to treat me well and pay a decent wage, I will work hard for you. I’ll support you in living your dreams. I won’t expect to be the superstar innovator – that’s your job. I am, however, creative and smart, and I think I could help you make your work even better, if you’d like me to.

Someday I’d like to be where you are, earning money doing something that speaks to my heart. At the moment, however, I’m in a soul-sucking corporate job. Maybe you had a soul-sucking job once, before you got the gig or started the business you have now. If so, you can appreciate my pain. I am eager to work with someone who is genuine and kind. Some people publicly proclaim they enjoy their work but they are lying through their teeth. I don’t want to work for those people any longer. I understand that even in your dream job, you may sometimes get frustrated or bogged down. You’ve probably worked hard to get where you are, and I’m sure things aren’t always easy. But if you still smile and think it’s worth it at the end of the day, you’re my kind of person.

I have dreams of my own, and I hope that you will encourage me to cultivate them. I want to be a writer. I want to travel. I want to laugh a lot and help people and eat good food and have fun. Maybe I’ll even start a business of my own someday. But in the mean time, I’d like to work for you.

Let’s set up an interview, shall we?

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Burn With Me.

“It’s a perfect day for letting go. For setting fire to bridges, boats and other dreary worlds you know.” – The Cure

Today I feel like starting a fire. I want to burn the cynical voice that tells me I don’t deserve more. That I should settle. That I should live with blinders on. Quit thinking about the hard stuff. Quit thinking about purpose and passion. Just go through the motions, make a little money, play the corporate game, and drift into a life of willing drudgery.

I want to evaporate the voice that tries to lure me into a deep sleep. The voice that tells me to ‘be sensible.’ To ignore the aches of my soul. To be nice and follow the rules and play the games. That I’ll never make a difference, anyway. That life is nothing but an endless plate of mashed potatoes.

Today I want to let the other voice reign. The voice that tells me I can live passionately. That tells me life is dripping with meaning, like a juicy peach. That I am not what a corporate ‘superior’ says about me. That I am meant for more. As Howard Thurman said, “what the world needs is people who have come alive.”

I want to believe that I can come alive, that I am allowed to follow this path. I can walk with my head held high. I want to trust that I am progressing and that I will continue to find support and guidance along the way. I want to be open to the infinite possibilities instead of getting obsessed with one narrow goal.

Today I want to start a fire that will light my own way. I may not be able to see the destination, but that’s okay. All I need is a flicker of light showing me the next right step.

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Being A Grown Up Doesn’t Have To Be Boring.

One of my favorite bands recently released a new album. It was a Friday night and I had no plans, so I decided to devote the evening to just…listening to music. Not listening to music while running or driving, which is my typical routine. Just listening.

In my high school and college days, listening to music was almost a sacred experience. I would sit in my room with headphones and close my eyes, letting the melodies sweep over me. Then I became an adult, and until that fateful Friday night, this activity had been neglected. This turned into one of the most enjoyable evenings I’ve had in a while. I felt happy, peaceful, fulfilled. I felt alive and engaged.

“Why has it been so long since I’ve done this?” I asked my husband when the record ended.

He shrugged. “I don’t know. I guess you’re busy with other things now. You have work and all that.”

I thought about this for a moment. True, I do have a job and responsibilities now. But does being a grown up mean you stop feeling the rush of passion? Should I just get used to a more mundane way of being in the world?

Hell no! I quickly decided. I don’t want to be one of those people who becomes an adult and settles into a drab existence.
Yes, I have a job and responsibilities. But I still have free time, and I’m filling that time with something. The things I’m filling my time with often aren’t very fulfilling. I’ll watch a movie I’ve seen a hundred times already or browse facebook to ‘kill time.’ Sometimes I feel like I’m sleepwalking through life.

Yikes, what has happened to me? Where is my zest? I don’t want to feel like I’m ‘killing time.’ I want to be present in what I’m doing, and I want to be doing things I actually enjoy.

There is a task in ‘The Artist’s Way’ in which you list twenty of your favorite activities (my list includes listening to music, writing, taking road trips and bike riding). Next, you notate when you last did each of these items. “Don’t be surprised if it’s been years for some of your favorites,” Julia Cameron advises. “That will change.”

I certainly want that to change. Sure, some of my favorites are more time consuming (taking road trips) but many of them I could easily squeeze in a weeknight after work.

And so I am moving forward with a new resolve to have more fun, more often. I want to feel as happy as I can as often as I can. Won’t you join me?

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Passion, practicality, chaos.

“You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.” – Nietzsche

I have asked myself more than once why the bloody hell I started this blog. When I read this quote I thought “well, that about sums it up.” I have chaos within me and I’m hoping someday it’ll give birth to a dancing star. Writing helps.

I’m finding myself faced with a lot of big decisions and deep thoughts lately. I am wishing for clarity, but at the moment I’m stuck with the chaos. I envy people who can make decisions and stick to them without looking back. I second guess myself. And then triple guess myself. And then sometimes change the decision entirely.

I’ve complained more than my fair share about being stuck in the corporate world. I don’t feel that I belong in this life. Doesn’t fit who I am. Doesn’t fit what I believe I was born to do. I realize this sounds melodramatic – and I’ve posted before about how I am thankful for many things about my job. So don’t get me wrong. I’m still thankful, but in many ways, it fucking sucks. Yeah, sometimes I curse. If you don’t like that, you’re reading the wrong blog.

One of the benefits of my soul-sucking job is a tuition discount for an MBA program. I’ve been tossing this idea around for a few years. Maybe I’d make a little more money. Maybe I could get a job I’d like a little more. Problem is: I don’t really give two hoots about business. I do not aspire to be in management. Not my cup of tea. So then why am I seriously considering starting the MBA program? Sometimes my husband and I daydream about starting our own business. Maybe I’d learn some valuable skills. And again, it’s kind of hard to say no to a tuition discount.

So why am I waffling on the decision? Here’s the bottom line: I want passion. I know what I’d like to be doing with my life, and it sure as heavens ain’t business management. I want to write! I want to finish the novel I’ve been pattering away at for two years. So why again am I considering an MBA? Why am I considering devoting more of my precious time to something that I see taking me further away from what I really enjoy?

I guess it’s because I’m trying to be realistic. I’m trying to be a “responsible adult.” I’m trying to move up in the world, do what I should do. Blah, blah, blah. I am so goddamned sick of doing what I should do. But even so, I can’t shake off this annoying little voice telling me I should do the MBA. I really, truly cannot decide. My brain is running in endless loops.

Here’s what I wish I had: passion, clarity and faith. I look at the people who I admire. They all have a wealth of passion. They didn’t get to where they are by doing an MBA or some other nonsense that had nothing to do with their dreams. They got there by fueling their passion and working their ass off for their dreams. No matter which decision I make, I want to make it with clarity (right now I’m fuzzy).

Most of all I wish I had faith. Faith that if I say no to the MBA and really devote myself to seeking my heart desires…maybe the universe has my back.

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Surviving and Thriving

“I am so frustrated with this job. It doesn’t spark my passion. It’s eating my soul,” I told a colleague last week. “I feel the same way,” he admitted. “But we should just be thankful we have a job. The economy is bad. Things could be a lot worse.” I felt myself shrinking in response.

He’s right, I thought. What right do I have to dream of more? So many people are worse off than I am. I should just be happy with what I have. I felt selfish and ashamed. I walked away like a puppy who had just been slapped. I told myself I didn’t deserve my dreams. I put a lid on my fire.

Still, I couldn’t shake the feeling that there was something wrong with this logic.

I was sudsing in the shower the other day, absentmindedly singing to myself when out of nowhere, the answer struck me upside the head: the problem is the word just.

Yes, we should be thankful. Oprah said it best. “Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough.” I am thankful I have a job. I’m thankful it gives me cash to spend on my apartment and my cats and cooking delicious food. I’m thankful for the security and the insurance. Dreaming of more doesn’t automatically mean you’re not thankful for what you’ve got. It doesn’t mean you’re selfish. You don’t have to put a lid on your fire. You don’t have to be ashamed of having dreams.

My job allows me to survive and I am truly thankful, but I’m not just thankful.   Being told that I should just be thankful made me feel like I was shrinking. This revelation makes me feel like I am expanding: It is possible to be thankful you are surviving AND still dream of thriving!

If you plant a flower in a dim room it can survive. But if there is a window letting in a sliver of sunshine, the flower will grow towards the light out of a natural impulse to thrive. The same is true for humans. The desire to thrive is innate in us. Thriving means something different to everyone, but we all have the impulse. Trying to squelch this will prevent us from ever reaching our deepest fulfillment. Consider this my permission slip to myself and to you: it is not just okay, but necessary, to dream of thriving.

The beautiful irony is that simply allowing myself to want to thrive makes me feel more like I am thriving.

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