I’d like to tell you that starting a business has been nothing but sunshine, roses and cash flow. But the truth is I’ve experienced a lot of stress and self-doubts during this wild ride. The good times are aplenty, but so are the worries. “Will I ever be ‘successful’? Does anyone resonate with what I’m creating? I love my business, but does it love me back?”
Starting a business has been an extreme exercise in vulnerability. I mean, hell, it took me ages to even tell anyone that I read tarot – let alone to put up a website, blogs and videos! I pour my heart into everything I do for my business. As much as I can, I try to be genuine and speak my truth in my videos, Facebook posts, etc. And that is a scary-ass thing to do. It basically feels like standing naked in a room and turning around slowly while everyone watches!
A few years ago, I fell in love. I was scared shitless to express my feelings. After countless hours of self-doubt and inner agony, I finally worked up the courage to tell my boyfriend I loved him. And then I had to just…wait. Just wait to see what his reaction would be. What I wanted, of course, was for him to say “I love you too.” Part of me thought I would die of pain if I didn’t get the reaction I wanted.
But I didn’t get what I wanted. He had to hash out his feelings, he had to spend time defining for himself what ‘love’ means. And guess what? I didn’t die. In fact, this experience became one of the defining moments in my life. It made me realize that there is strength in my vulnerability. That I can open myself up, that I can be honest, raw and real – and that I won’t be destroyed if I don’t get the approval I crave. Because I do crave approval – I think we all do. We all want to be seen, heard, validated. Loved.
Eventually, that boyfriend did tell me he loved me – and now he is my husband. That story happened to have a beautiful ending. But what if he had never told me he loved me? I would have been fine. Eventually. It would have hurt for a while. Probably for a long time. But I would have had the deep soul-satisfaction of knowing I expressed my true feelings, regardless of the outcome.
I guess that’s kind of how I’ve been feeling with my business. It’s like by pouring myself into my work, and really committing myself to this, I’ve told my business “I love you.” And I’ve been feeling like I’m then left hanging, waiting to see if it will say “I love you back.” I expressed this sentiment to my husband, and as usual, he had a common-sense reply.
“How does your business tell you it loves you? What does it look like?”
This struck me hard. How does my business tell me it loves me? Before I was asked this question, I guess I thought that making money was the answer. But the truth is money is only part of the equation. My business tells me it loves me by challenging me. By asking me to give more and more of myself. By encouraging me to continue to take risks, to walk my own path. My business tells me it loves me by creating moments where I know that I’m on the path to my destiny. I can feel it in my bones.
My business might not ever tell me it loves me with boatloads of cash. And it’s probably not done causing me headaches, tension and worries. I don’t know if this story will have a fairy-tale ending like the one with my husband. But I have had the epiphany that money is only part of how my business says “I love you, too.”
My business has led me onto my own hero’s journey. I know that I am truly, fully, deeply living my life. I’m more conscious, more grateful, more buzzing with Universal energy than I ever thought possible.
And that kinda feels like being loved in return.