Dear Motherfucker: This is Who I Am.

I am someone who believes that people are essentially good. I am someone who believes in a universal energy that flows through. I am someone who believes that, like Jewel says, “in the end, only kindness matters.” I am someone who believes that I, and everyone, was put on this earth for a reason. I am someone who believes in telling the truth and being vulnerable. I am someone who believes that being a human being is really fucking challenging, especially if you are trying to live consciously and embody your values.

I am someone who is deeply introspective. I can sometimes get lost in my world. I can be overly sensitive. I can take things personally. I can get emotional. I cry over…well, pretty much anything. I am someone who has always worried that being vulnerable is the same thing as being weak. That is probably the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever believed. Being vulnerable is the only way to grow. It’s the only way to reach deeper levels of satisfaction. You have to be comfortable with being uncomfortable. If you can’t manage to get the ball to be vulnerable and risk looking like a weak weirdo, you are doomed to a life of secure boredom. I’m not here to be half alive – I’m here to be alive, risking, being me.

I am someone who believes there are alternate options to the status quo. I believe that there are limitless ways to live. I say ‘fuck you’ to restrictions or being told ‘that’s just how things are.’ I believe I can make a living doing something I love. I believe that people should marry whoever they want, and create whatever they want and say whatever they want as long as it is true to who they are and doesn’t cause harm to others.

I am also someone who believes in science and logic. I may be an idealist, a dreamer, but that doesn’t make me a moron, thank you very much. I am perfectly capable of critical thinking, and I can also be as cynical and judgmental as the next bitch. I believe in the healing power of laughing at cats on the internet.

I am someone who believes we can be tough and soft at the same time. I am someone who believes that hiding in my shell is no longer serving me. I am someone who is more comfortable saying ‘fuck’ than saying ‘namaste’. I am someone who meditates and watches trash TV. I drink green smoothies and eat ice cream. I am who I am, motherfucker. Vital and kick ass, and finally comfortable with all aspects of me. No longer chasing your approval, even though I cordially respect your opinion.

(I used to wish that I would post weekly, delivering calm, serene and trainquil wisdom. Instead, I post once in a blue moon and occasionally deliver rants. That’s just the way I roll.)

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A Post In Which I Get Naked

Okay, I’m not literally going to get naked (although many dictionaries recently changed the definition of literally, so maybe I am literally getting naked). I’ll just come right out and say it: I have a constant fear of judgement. “But what will people think if I dye my hair? If I go vegan? If I quit my job? If I read tarot cards? Will they think I’m stupid, weird, woo-woo?” Revealing certain thoughts, lifestyle choices and hobbies that I hold dear feels like I am getting naked and opening myself up to harsh scrutiny. It is easy to let my fear of being judged prevent me from being fully me. That’s why when I started this blog I didn’t tell anyone. The things I write about here are deeply personal and the thought of sharing them with the world kind of made me throw up in my mouth.

I recently put my big-girl pants on and told a few people about Orange Steamboat (if you are one of them, know that I am thankful to have you in my life, and I trust that you love me no matter what weird shit I write about on the internet). I’m slowly starting to reveal myself in other ways as well. As I mentioned in my last post, I’ve began doing tarot card readings for others. Simply convincing myself to make a post on facebook asking for volunteers was a ridiculously nerve-wracking experience. “What if no one volunteers? What if everyone thinks I am a devil-worshipper?” As it turns out, I had an abundance of volunteers and received some heart-warming feedback as a result of putting myself out there.

Sure, some people will think I’m a woo-woo nut job for reading tarot cards, and others will harp on to high hell about protein whenever I mention veganism and I might get some disdainful looks if I dye my hair. But I think the world needs more people who are willing to ‘get naked.’ I believe that we all have special gifts, insights, and passions that can make the world a better place. Too often these gifts are kept locked away out of fear. I know I can’t be the only person who is fucking terrified to be vulnerable. I don’t know much about life, but there’s one thing I’ve learned with certainty: the times when I experience the deepest satisfaction and the fullest sense of being vitally alive happen when I allow myself to be vulnerable. Sometimes it makes me want to puke, but I know that if I want to continue to grow and expand, I’m going to have to face this challenge again and again.

I used to associate being vulnerable with being weak or sappy. But I’ve realized it is possible to be both tender and tough. The criticism won’t kill me. What might really kill me, though, is living a half-hearted life in order to stay safe. I have firmly decided that I am not here to live a lukewarm life. Considering that alternative makes being naked sound pretty damn good.

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The Pitfalls of Being Yourself

How many times have you been discussing a perplexing situation and been met with the cheery, albeit oversimplified advice: “just be yourself ?”  Certainly easier said than done, and in most cases a cliche served out blandly without any further analysis as to it’s actual meaning.

“What does being myself mean?” I want to ask, every time. “Does it mean living up to the ideas that people already have about me? Doing what I am expected to do? Repeating past behaviors and patterns, even if they haven’t served me well previously?”

Trying to be myself can become a trap if I’m not careful. Being myself can turn into doing what I’m “supposed to” instead of what I genuinely feel is right. I’m starting to realize that this is a self-constructed trap. I can get caught up in the fear game, thinking that if I change, evolve, if I don’t act exactly the way my loved ones expect me to, that I will let them down. Or worse, that they will no longer love me.

I have learned that being myself does not mean acting the same way all the time, being completely predictable. This is why I am cautious when I am given this advice. I have had to create my own definition of being myself. For me, it means living consciously, slowing down enough to really listen to myself, and behaving in a way that reflects what I feel in my gut to be right. Being myself means being fluid and alert, not being robotic and repetitive.

I recently heard a quote from Iyanla Vanzant, who was speaking with Oprah. She said “when you don’t show up as who you are, people fall in love with who you are not.”

That’s some powerful stuff. If we do not allow ourselves to express our authenticity, of course people will fall in love with who we are not. They won’t know any better unless we are brave enough to let them.

Being who you are not is an exhausting game to play. I can say this because I’ve done it.  Being who you are not creates stress and trauma. It slowly seeps away your vitality, leaving you feeling frazzled and unsatisfied. Being who you are not weakens you slowly, like dripping water chipping away at a rock.

We’ve all been told that the people who really love us will love who we really are. The truth is though, some people won’t. This is why we need to learn to let go, just a little bit, of that need for approval. If the price tag of love and approval is being who you are not, it isn’t worth it.

Maybe we could trust ourselves enough to be who we really are. Be brave. Go out on a limb.  I’m still working on heeding my own advice. I’m still somewhat attached to approval, I’m still afraid of judgement.

I suppose that is largely why I started this blog anonymously. I’m baring my soul here, and while I have become a stronger person, I still have a bit of that fear left. The fear that someone who knows me would read this and say “she’s a poser. A fraud. A cheesy loser.”

Since I am writing this anonymously, I will allow myself to make a potentially embarassing admission. I love Lady Gaga. There, I said it, and I’m not taking it back! I read an interview in which she described the freedom that she found in shedding her given name and adapting her stage name. This freed her from the pitfalls of being herself. From the baggage and the expectations and the fears. This gave her the courage to become a new, more authentic version of herself. Becoming Lady Gaga made her brave. Allowed her to become who she was meant to be.

She became Lady Gaga, I became Orange Steamboat. This further illustrates the complexity of being yourself. You are not just your name, your gender, your job. You are also your ideas, your beliefs, your creativity. We have the power to create our own story, to live the way we believe we were destined to live. But only if we will let ourselves, if we are brave.

I’m not quite brave enough to write under my given name. But I’m still writing. And my fears are already starting to sound silly. Maybe I really am on my way to genuinely being myself. To letting go of the fears and allowing myself to truly be brave and free.

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