The Risk of Blossoming

When I began blogging, I felt lonely. Really, it’s an extension of a loneliness I’ve felt for many years. I don’t quite know how to explain it. It’s not really a teenage-emo loneliness…but then again, maybe it is. I’ve always felt like the proverbial black sheep. I mean, I have an amazing husband, wonderful friends and family, and in a lot of ways, they know me extremely well. But there’s always this strange part of myself that feels different than everyone else. “No one gets me,” she said, crying into her black hoodie.

It’s hard to explain. I’ve never been ‘depressed.’ It’s more of a constant existential crisis. I can’t stop asking ‘Why am I here? What is this all about? Who am I? What am I? What is consciousness? What is meaning? Why do I feel compelled to these questions? Why can’t I just be satisfied with the things that are supposed to make me happy?’

Over the past few years, especially since starting this blog, I’ve been having some mental shifts. I’ve slowly let myself experiment to find things that make me happy, and this often means going out of my comfort zone. IE: “starting a blog where I write about personal growth and spirituality ‘n stuff makes me happy! But it’s so goddamn embarrassing and I don’t want to tell anyone I know. I would die if people I knew read this. It’s so personal and they’ll think I’m a weirdo or an idiot! Or even worse, a weird idiot.” And so I didn’t tell anyone about the blog, and in turn, I think I held myself back from writing about some of the things I wanted to write about. I had a paralyzing fear of what other people would think of me. I guess I didn’t think I was strong enough to survive criticism and scrutiny. I originally thought I was going to blog once a week, but I’m now going to allow myself to only blog when I feel like that – even if that is only once in a blue moon.

Over the past few months, I’ve realized that I really need to learn to move past this crippling fear of ‘what people will think.’ I don’t just mean by going public with my blog, but in every facet of my life.  I’m not gonna be for everyone, that’s for sure. A lot of people still won’t ‘get’ me. But for my own personal growth, it has become glaringly apparent that I need to learn to be more visible. The funny thing is, I don’t even think it will make a big difference externally. If I went on facebook right now and made this post public, a lot of people probably wouldn’t even click on it. Of the ones who did, some might skim it and then move on with their lives with a shrug. Hell, a few might read it all the way through and actually find something that resonates with them. And again, hell, a few might think it’s ridiculous and judge me and gossip about me. Those are all external things, and I’ve realized…I should say, I’ve FINALLY realized…they aren’t important. What’s important is the internal things. And becoming more public and visible (or letting myself be vulnerable, as Brene Brown would say) is essential to my growth as a person and a soul. I know this beyond a shadow of a doubt now, but it has taken me a lot of emotional turmoil, self doubt, and anxiety to accept it.

What I don’t know is why this is the case. My life would certainly be easier if I didn’t feel this strong knowing that I need to put myself out there. It would be sooooo much easier to be “normal.” But for whatever reason, I have this fire inside of me, and I believe that part of why I was put into this life is to work through this. I’m going through this anxiety and turmoil for a reason, I believe, even if I’m not sure what that reason is. In fact, the anxiety was so bad for a while that I started this blog, just to have somewhere to express myself fully. I’ve felt like my soul will perish and wither if I don’t learn to let myself be my goddamn full self, without fear of consequence.

And so, lately, I’ve slowly been taking steps to move out of my comfort zone and ‘be vulnerable.’ I came out of the Tarot reading closet on facebook a few months ago, offering readings to a few friends. Lo and behold, I got almost exclusively glowing, positive feedback. It may sound silly, but I recently joined a discussion group for a book that changed my life – the Desire Map by Danielle LaPorte – and even getting myself to email the organizer and go meet with a stranger was a huge step for me.

I’ve also been working on launching my own Tarot  business, and it’s been a bit like pulling teeth for me to force myself to tell people. That fear of what they think starts rearing it’s ugly head again. But I’ve been telling them – and guess what? Again, almost nothing but positivity and support.  I’ve realized that I was projecting my own internal insecurities onto other people, keeping myself on the defensive and assuming they won’t understand. Basically, I was being a spazz.

And so I’ve been going through this life changing realization – being vulnerable will not kill me. It will probably always be scary. In fact, sometimes it’s so scary that I want to poop my pants. But I heard a quote recently that completely hit home for me. It went something like “I can learn to live with fear, but I can’t live with regrets.” I’ve finally gotten to the place where I know that this is true. If I don’t let myself out into the world, I will never live a full life. I will die with regrets. And even though it is scary and awkward to put myself out there, I’ve gotta do it.

It will be slow, and I’m sure that my progress will be erratic. Sometimes I’ll slip back into old patterns and fears. But I want to feel a deep happiness, joy and connection with my life. And to do that, I need to be free – internally free. And to be internally free, I need to let go of the paralyzing fear that causes me to hide myself away.

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” – Anais Nin

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Dear Motherfucker: This is Who I Am.

I am someone who believes that people are essentially good. I am someone who believes in a universal energy that flows through. I am someone who believes that, like Jewel says, “in the end, only kindness matters.” I am someone who believes that I, and everyone, was put on this earth for a reason. I am someone who believes in telling the truth and being vulnerable. I am someone who believes that being a human being is really fucking challenging, especially if you are trying to live consciously and embody your values.

I am someone who is deeply introspective. I can sometimes get lost in my world. I can be overly sensitive. I can take things personally. I can get emotional. I cry over…well, pretty much anything. I am someone who has always worried that being vulnerable is the same thing as being weak. That is probably the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever believed. Being vulnerable is the only way to grow. It’s the only way to reach deeper levels of satisfaction. You have to be comfortable with being uncomfortable. If you can’t manage to get the ball to be vulnerable and risk looking like a weak weirdo, you are doomed to a life of secure boredom. I’m not here to be half alive – I’m here to be alive, risking, being me.

I am someone who believes there are alternate options to the status quo. I believe that there are limitless ways to live. I say ‘fuck you’ to restrictions or being told ‘that’s just how things are.’ I believe I can make a living doing something I love. I believe that people should marry whoever they want, and create whatever they want and say whatever they want as long as it is true to who they are and doesn’t cause harm to others.

I am also someone who believes in science and logic. I may be an idealist, a dreamer, but that doesn’t make me a moron, thank you very much. I am perfectly capable of critical thinking, and I can also be as cynical and judgmental as the next bitch. I believe in the healing power of laughing at cats on the internet.

I am someone who believes we can be tough and soft at the same time. I am someone who believes that hiding in my shell is no longer serving me. I am someone who is more comfortable saying ‘fuck’ than saying ‘namaste’. I am someone who meditates and watches trash TV. I drink green smoothies and eat ice cream. I am who I am, motherfucker. Vital and kick ass, and finally comfortable with all aspects of me. No longer chasing your approval, even though I cordially respect your opinion.

(I used to wish that I would post weekly, delivering calm, serene and trainquil wisdom. Instead, I post once in a blue moon and occasionally deliver rants. That’s just the way I roll.)

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A Post In Which I Get Naked

Okay, I’m not literally going to get naked (although many dictionaries recently changed the definition of literally, so maybe I am literally getting naked). I’ll just come right out and say it: I have a constant fear of judgement. “But what will people think if I dye my hair? If I go vegan? If I quit my job? If I read tarot cards? Will they think I’m stupid, weird, woo-woo?” Revealing certain thoughts, lifestyle choices and hobbies that I hold dear feels like I am getting naked and opening myself up to harsh scrutiny. It is easy to let my fear of being judged prevent me from being fully me. That’s why when I started this blog I didn’t tell anyone. The things I write about here are deeply personal and the thought of sharing them with the world kind of made me throw up in my mouth.

I recently put my big-girl pants on and told a few people about Orange Steamboat (if you are one of them, know that I am thankful to have you in my life, and I trust that you love me no matter what weird shit I write about on the internet). I’m slowly starting to reveal myself in other ways as well. As I mentioned in my last post, I’ve began doing tarot card readings for others. Simply convincing myself to make a post on facebook asking for volunteers was a ridiculously nerve-wracking experience. “What if no one volunteers? What if everyone thinks I am a devil-worshipper?” As it turns out, I had an abundance of volunteers and received some heart-warming feedback as a result of putting myself out there.

Sure, some people will think I’m a woo-woo nut job for reading tarot cards, and others will harp on to high hell about protein whenever I mention veganism and I might get some disdainful looks if I dye my hair. But I think the world needs more people who are willing to ‘get naked.’ I believe that we all have special gifts, insights, and passions that can make the world a better place. Too often these gifts are kept locked away out of fear. I know I can’t be the only person who is fucking terrified to be vulnerable. I don’t know much about life, but there’s one thing I’ve learned with certainty: the times when I experience the deepest satisfaction and the fullest sense of being vitally alive happen when I allow myself to be vulnerable. Sometimes it makes me want to puke, but I know that if I want to continue to grow and expand, I’m going to have to face this challenge again and again.

I used to associate being vulnerable with being weak or sappy. But I’ve realized it is possible to be both tender and tough. The criticism won’t kill me. What might really kill me, though, is living a half-hearted life in order to stay safe. I have firmly decided that I am not here to live a lukewarm life. Considering that alternative makes being naked sound pretty damn good.

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