“You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.” – Nietzsche
I am watching the snow fall and feeling resentful. Hello, snow, can’t you read a human calendar? The first day of spring has come and passed, jerk!
While watching the snow fall, I’m also watching myself. Watching myself feel worried. I’m not supposed to be feeling worried. I quit my job to follow my passion. I launched Happy Fish Tarot last week (!!!!). I did all of this because I wanted to feel the opposite of worried.
Before I quit my job I was living an experience of the Tower card. I felt like I was on the verge of exploding. I tried to ignore the nagging “there is something more” feeling for too long. I finally had to accept that this feeling wasn’t going away – and it was going to fuck shit up if I didn’t start listening. Instead of waiting for the inevitable, and possibly violent explosion to come, I decided to consciously create dramatic change in my life.
So I came up with a plan. I saved money. I got my husband on board. I schemed and dreamed. I mapped out a business plan and created a website. And even though I kept telling myself not to, I kinda fell into the “I’ll be happy when” trap.
I feel like for the past few years, I have been climbing a metaphorical, self-awareness mountain. It is exhausting, and sometimes I really want to stop climbing. Eventually, I will reach overlooks and think maybe I’ve reached the top. I’ll survey the view and admire how far I’ve come. Then I want to rest. I’m weary, goddamnit!
But I can’t rest for too long, because I have been blessed/cursed by an incessant inner urge to do, find, or be something. I often feel like I’m fumbling blindly, trying to find out what the bloody hell that something is.
That’s why I quit my job. That’s why I was drawn to tarot. And you know what? Those were pretty fucking amazing decisions. I am happier than ever. I feel like I’m finally getting warmer in this endless pursuit of something.
But I was mistaken was in letting myself fantasize – even just a little – that this transition would solve all of my problems and that I’d be living in never-ending bliss. This isn’t the top of the mountain – it’s another scenic overlook. I need to keep climbing.
Let’s go back to where I was when I started writing – I was watching the snow and feeling worried. Now I am watching the snow and feeling peaceful. In tarot, after the chaos of the Tower comes the serenity of the Star. I’m reminding myself of what I wrote on my own website: “there is no secret key to unending happiness. The truth is that lasting happiness requires constantly adapting to shifting currents. Despair not – tarot can help.”
This is a lesson I’m still trying to integrate. Sometimes the shifting currents seem to throw me off the path. Can you relate? Self-actualization can be a lonely process. You feel like everyone but you has their shit figured out. If I could tell you, and myself, one thing it would be keep going. You can, and will, constantly adapt to the violent explosions and the shifting currents.
Orange Steamboat 